Sweet Dreams, Neema

Say not in grief “she is no more”, but live in thankfulness that she was.

After four months of living in the NICU, we’ve all come to terms with the fact that life isn’t fair, and that “life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans”. We’ve had our moments of frustration and of impatience, and I’ve spent many nights mourning what was supposed to be but never was—the healthy pregnancy, the lack of medical intervention, the breastfeeding, the late night crying and inconsolable baby—telling myself that this is all OK, that life still has a way of finding the same finish line even if a different route was taken to get there. This journey through the NICU, no matter how drastically different from what we imagined when we set out to start a family, is all OK in the long run because when all is said and done, we get to bring her home.

Baby Neema lost her fight this morning and I’m absolutely beside myself. I’m shocked and I’m heartbroken and I’m angry at the world for letting this happen. It’s not fair that she fought for five long months and in the end just couldn’t keep up. It’s not fair that her parents walked a longer, rougher road than Don and I have walked, and have to leave this awful place with nothing but a heavy heart full of sadness and memories that will ache for years to come. What are they do to with the cute little outfits she once wore, and with the nursery at home that’s been meticulously set up and anxiously awaiting an arrival that will never come? How are they supposed to pray this evening to a God who decided that their perfect little angel needed to return to heaven far too soon? None of this was in the script.

Nyana is passed out on my lap in her CPAP hat that usually I hate but today I’m so thankful for. She’s finally asleep after spending the better part of an hour screaming hysterically, giving those severely damaged lungs of hers an excellent workout and maintaining healthy stats all the while. I feel so guilty for feeling so appreciative of what I have right now—ironically, appreciative of everything that just days ago I completely melted down over having to put up with.

It’s just not fair. I haven’t seen Neema’s parents today, and I don’t know what I’m supposed to say to them when I do see them. I’m sorry hardly seems appropriate and anything else just seems inconsequential. I can’t even imagine not bringing my babygirl home after all the hell and heartache I’ve endured within these walls. I’ve seen parents walk out of here without their babes before, but after such a long and valiant battle, it wasn’t supposed to end this way for Neema. It’s just not fair.

Sweet dreams, babygirl Neema. You were loved by many.

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About Mrs. B

Wife, mother, marketer--not always in that order. Lover of fine food, good company, and exceptional grammar. Mother of one former micro-preemie and one full-term monster baby. Building childhood memories in Vancouver's suburbs.
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17 Responses to Sweet Dreams, Neema

  1. T says:

    Rest in peace sweet Neema.

  2. Linda says:

    What a beautiful tribute for a tiny life taken away much too soon. You don’t have to say anything to her parents, Karen, all you need to do is to hug them and they will feel your words of grief. You are right that Life is not fair, not fair indeed.
    My heart is so sad for all of you and thoughts of comfort and peace go out to Neema and her parents.
    Love,
    Mum

  3. Diana says:

    I cry with them. The loss of a baby…nothing will ever be completely right again.

  4. I’m so, so sorry, Karen. Peace, prayers, and love to all of you who knew and loved her.

  5. Stacey Feehan says:

    What heart-wrenching news. I think ‘Mum’ is so smart. You don’t have to say anything. Hug them. Cry with them. Be with them. If you get the opportunity. I’m so sorry for this news.

  6. Tasha says:

    Loved by many…including people who have never even met her. Sweet dreams baby girl…

  7. Olivia ♡ says:

    Tears.

    No one should EVER have to say goodbye to their child. 😦

    I have never met these people, but my heart breaks for them…..sweet dreams, baby Neema ❤

  8. Chantal says:

    😥 I had hoped that little Neema would be going home with her parents soon. Life is not fair but for them, I wish their family would have gotten a break. Sleep well Neema and breath deeply.

  9. Mary Ward says:

    Poor sweet Neema and her parents. My heart breaks for them and for all their lost dreams of a future with Neema. I too, don’t think any words are needed. A hug is worth all the words. They know you care.

  10. Pingback: Sweet Dreams, Baby Neema | ♡ & Baby Makes Three – Prairie Baby Dreams ♡

  11. Tamara says:

    My heart goes out to you and everyone that’s been blessed to have their lives touched by this little soul.

    What a tragedy, it’s just not right that the world should say good bye to such an innocent little gift.

    *hugs*

  12. Olivia G says:

    That a tiny baby can fight so hard to live, reminds us all how important life is. We will all hug our babies a little tighter, and a little longer tonight, no matter how big they may be. The world is an awful place, for evey happy moment there are a million devastating ones. The Bible offers hope that most don’t know about. Ask a Jehovah’s Witness why God Permits suffering? You will be surprised at the answer (they will show you from the Bible), and comforted by the real hope the Bible offers. When I hear others say that God takes babies to be angels, it crushes me to the core to think that people believe a loving God would do this. Would make a woman a mother, and create a tiny beautiful baby, only to put the innocent baby through a painful death, and rip the mothers heart to pieces. God is not responsible for the suffering in the world… He feels our pain in his heart, and he will bring an end to it (Rev 21:3,4) Please don’t be angry with me for posting this. I have watched people go through unimaginable pain without real hope, and I can’t help but want to share the Bible’s message.

  13. Kim says:

    Tears, hugs and healing thoughts… there is nothing more i can say… my love to you all ❤

  14. Sue says:

    I am so incredibly devestated learning of the loss of this precious child – a child I have never set eyes on. My heart is breaking in pieces for parents I have never met. Yet I feel we all our united in our humanity, in our ability to love that which we cannot see or touch. Life is so not fair. Rest well, sweet Neema. You fought as hard as you could. I pray God gives her parents and all who love her the strength to carry on. There are no words ….

    Rest in peace sweet baby girl.

  15. Just trying to catch up on everything since I had a busy weekend and I was not expecting to come across this.

    I’m so heartbroken for Neema’s family, and everyone that knew/prayed for her. We sat with crossed fingers, hoping and wishing that everything would be okay but I guess sometimes that just isn’t enough. I hope her parents can find peace and strength within themselves at this hard time.

    Again, I’m so sorry to hear this.
    rip, babygirl.

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